A right royal carry on in the house of Windsor

19 September, 2008

It's an easy mistake to make. You're a lorry driver and your delivery notes tell you to take 12 barrels of lager to Windsor Castle. So you dust off your overalls

and head off down the M4, whistling Rule Britannia and wondering if you'll have to bow when you arrive. The fact that nobody at the royal residence has any record of placing an order for the beer you're carrying is odd - but perhaps that's just how things work with Her Maj.

It's only when

a pub called the Windsor Castle in nearby Maidenhead phones your bosses to find out what's happened to the beer they were expecting in time for the Croatia v England match, that the penny drops.

"We have received mail for the royal household here before but I think this is the first time they have received anything meant for us," said pub manager Misko Coric.

Age of dissent

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond seems determined to press on with plans to outlaw the sale of alcohol to under-21s. This would, as WSTA leader Jeremy Beadles points out, result in a bizarre situation where stores could employ a 20-year-old premises supervisor

to authorise sales of alcohol, but only to ­people older than he or she was.

Annabel Goldie, Scottish Tory leader, added: "We will continue to lead the opposition to the ludicrous plans to criminalise a responsible, 20-year-old adult who wants to buy a bottle of wine to take home and celebrate the birth of his baby." Which kind of pre supposes that breeding will still be allowed for Scots under 21 when the government has completed its reforming agenda.

What's so great about that?

"The Great British

pub is being targeted by ruthless off-trade discounting that is resulting in falling pub visits and record pub closures," bleats the Campaign for Real Ale, launching the latest edition of the Good Beer Guide.

No mention

of badly-kept beer, grumpy bar staff, wet tables , rubbish wine, scrums around the bar

which means you can wait 15 minutes to be served, juke boxes which were last updated when Boney M were heading the Top 40, stinky carpets, overflowing toilets, lasagna with ice in the middle of it and pale-faced smokers forming an intimidating guard of honour around the front door. They must mean a different Great British

pub.

Hopped Poles

As a nation we have a lot to thank Polish builders for just now, but an off-licence owner in Glogow, south west Poland, isn't quite so enamoured with them. Drinking on building sites is not seen as a big no-no over there and when Marek Cowlaski and Tomasz Dzwonicki ran out of booze at work, they jumped in a digger truck and headed for the nearest liquor store.

Ploughing into cars, walls, fences and traffic lights along the way, the pair arrived at the offie and tried to reverse into a parking space outside. Those who had watched them zig-zagging along the public highway were not surprised to see the digger lurch into the building and lodge itself inside.

"They must have been over the moon as they had all the drink they could want," said the shop owner. The fun was spoiled just a little when the men were taken to jail.

Class act

"Hey everybody - Nick's back!" trumpets the website for Duncan Murray Wines, the specialist merchant in Market Harborough. The team can barely contain themselves at the news that their old colleague Nick Worricker has come back

after an absence of two years. During that time he has trained and qualified as a teacher, but "decided he missed us too much", according to the news update.

"Nick brings with him his old charm and expertise, along with lessons in crowd control gleaned from his teacher training, ideal for our busy Saturday tastings," it adds. "In the words of the man himself: get them while they're hot and tell your mother!"

Threshers wars

It's all been kicking off on the East Dulwich Forum, where

news has

broken of the closure of a Threshers branch in Lordship Lane. Contributors seem to be divided into two camps: those who think the shop "smelled of sick", had a "nose of disinfectant with a cheeky hint of urine", and claim better service and products could be found elsewhere, and those who believe the closure is a sad loss.

"I'll miss Threshers and I'll especially miss the people who run it," protests Albert. "They were friendly, helpful and nice. Some of the snotty comments on this site remind me of what's wrong with living here. Decent people, such as those in Threshers who find themselves moving on, can at least celebrate the fact they are being relieved of the company of such bores." So there.




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