Music to tame the savage beast

12 December, 2008

You might have heard of the antisocial teens in the US who were forced to listen to Barry Manilow last month as penance for playing their music too loud.

Now inventor Howard Stapleton has launched the Music Mosquito Mood Calming System - a gadget that aims to disperse groups of good-for-nothings by playing classical music.

This may ring bells for some of you as he also introduced controversial gadget the Mosquito, which emitted a high-pitched noise only audible to under 25s.

In true Scrooge-stylee, we've composed a list of the top-five festive nightmare tunes to drive those pesky kids out of your shop without investing in high-tech calming systems.

At number five we have a new entry: Sir Terry Wogan and Aled Jones's Little Drummer Boy. Yes we know it's for charity, but does it have to go on and on?

Number four has to go to the 12 Days of Christmas

- the repetition drives us mental, even if the shouty "five gold rings" bit kind of makes it worth it.

Number three goes to muzak-type ­Jingle Bells - that jazzy-sounding fast-paced version.

Number two: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.

And the pack leader by a mile is Santa Baby - crooning away to Santa like you're in a strip joint is just plain wrong.

Red without dread

The OLN team welcomes the latest Stateside fad in facial improvements - and the good news is it's not quite as drastic as Botox or surgery.

Wine Wipes, available in the UK through, are fresh orange-blossom scented pads you can use to get rid of any ghoulish red wine residue on your teeth and lips after a tasting.

As one fan gushed in the website's ­testimonials: "My lips were purple and my teeth a blackish red. A quick wipe with one of the pads and voilà! Stains gone. For the appearance-conscious red wine lovers among us, you can finally unlock the door to your Chardonnay prison." Hurrah!

Daily Mail nightmares

Two schemes that seem straight out of a council bigwig's fever-induced dreams are hitting Britain's streets.

Drinkers in Bolton will be given children's bubble-blowers to channel boisterous behaviour into harmless fun.

The blue and orange toys, which double as pens, will be handed out by police community support officers on Saturday nights throughout December.

Unsurprisingly the scheme, run by the Be Safe Partnership - involving Bolton council, the police and the fire service - has been criticised as a waste of tax-payers' money.

Then there's the £30,000 package of measures brought in at Torbay, including flipflops for drunken ladies to stagger home in, free condoms and safe sex advice.

That lot will be paid for by funding secured from the Home Office by Safer Communities Torbay, an alliance of local authority, police and health services.

Tache-tastic November

The hair bear bunch of boys at London's Winebox Warehouse have completed their annual attempt at growing the ultimate moustache in the name of charity.

The lads had to be clean-shaven at the start of November - or 'Movember' as it is now know - and grow their taches for one whole month.

All proceeds raised went to the Prostate Cancer Charity, which raised more than £1 million last year thanks to the efforts of similarly kindhearted fellas around the country.

What the feck? It's official - the word "feck" is not offensive. A Magners poster appearing on the Underground caused one

commuter to complain to the ASA. It showed a man in an orchard saying "Feck off bees" - a thought that has surely come to anyone who has foolishly attempted a picnic featuring jammy goodness. The complainant

said the phrase "Feck off" was offensive, especially as it could be seen by children. In delightfully dry tones the ASA did not uphold the complaint, saying: "We considered

the use of the word 'feck' in Britain had been popularised by TV programmes such as Father Ted. We considered the term 'feck' was unlikely to be seen as a swearword."

Scourge of Scunthorpe OLN would like to issue a belated apology to John Baines, senior trading controller of the Today's wholesale group.

When we printed the

less than complimentary comments John made about Scunthorpe at last year's Drinksummit , we never imagined he would end up the centre of a storm of protest from

readers of the Scunthorpe Telegraph, which passed on his remarks to the town.

W e really didn't expect

John would go on to be heralded as the next Bernard Manning off the back of his comments - which in turn got him into big trouble with his mum. OLN is not afraid of stirring

of controversy, but we draw the line at invoking the wrath of parents. So: sorry, John - we hope you'll be allowed out again by the next Drinksummit. And sorry, Mum.

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